


ME:Scars

by pianochic90



Series: Commander Jane "Jae" Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6350230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pianochic90/pseuds/pianochic90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU and somewhat dark take on a Citadel date for Shepard and Alenko.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ME:Scars

Jane Shepard wrinkled her nose in disgust as she surveyed herself in the mirror. “Are you sure this dress is appropriate for an Alliance officer?” The sleek black leather clung to her skin, revealing flagrant hints of the curves beneath.  
“You promised!”  
“I know, but-”  
“You said I could dress you up the next time we had leave,” the petite human behind her whined playfully, “don’t be a sore loser!”  
Shepard raised her right eyebrow ever so slightly as she turned, meeting the Comm-Specialist’s gaze with a stern look.  
“I mean, uh, ma’am.” Traynor blushed, setting her scissors down and nervously brushing the recently trimmed hairs off her commander’s neck.  
“That’s what I thought. And for the record, that’s the last time I play poker with either of you!”  
Liara giggled from her perch on the desk. “You look wonderful, Shepard, I think it’s very tasteful.”  
“I don’t know, I’m getting flashbacks to the time I crashed that party on Bekenstein.” Blank looks greeted her statement, and Shepard shook her head in amusement. “Never mind.”  
Samantha shrugged, turning her attention to the array of beauty products scattered around Liara. “I just wish you’d let us set up a real date for you. It’s such a shame to waste all this effort.”  
“No, thank you!” She choked on the air she’d just inhaled. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Besides, I just got a message from Joker inviting me to dinner tomorrow, so I’ll get a chance to show off all your hard work.”  
“You’re not serious!” Traynor’s eyebrows shot sky high in horror as Liara doubled over in silent laughter. “Joker! That’s not funny, Commander! I mean a proper date with wine and dancing, and maybe a little something more-”  
“OK, that’s enough!” Shepard spun, scooping an armful of dresses off the bed and shoving them towards her audience. “Let’s leave my, ahem, 'something more' out of all this. Thanks for the help, it’s been, uh, great, I guess. Time for your shore leave.” She ushered them out of the room, ignoring all complaints. “Get off this ship, that’s an order.”  
The door whooshed closed behind them and she leaned against it, a sigh of relief escaping her lips. She obviously needed to address the amount of familiarity she’d built with the crew, if only for her own sanity.  
“I don’t know why you tease her like that,” a muffled voice chided through the door, “she doesn’t need us to set her up.”  
“Oh, yes,” the second voice dripped with friendly sarcasm, “because of the oh-so-obvious relationship that we all pretend doesn’t exist? I don’t know why they bother to hide it, it’s obvious that they’re f-”  
“Traynor!!!”  
Shepard jerked away from the door, cheeks flaming. This “girl-time” had obviously been a mistake.

 

* * *

 

Delicate carpet squished under sturdy combat boots as Shepard padded down the long hallway. This building seemed far ritzier than any she’d ever stayed in. It was hard to picture Anderson living here, but the key-code saved on her omni-tool opened the door immediately, so she continued inside. Simple, beautiful decor met her eyes. Muted neutrals and rich hardwoods covered every surface. She’d never boasted an eye for beauty, but this apartment - this fit.

The digital display on her omni-tool flashed the time as she trudged up the stairs. Three hours to kill before she could even consider going to sleep. Three long hours with nothing to do.  
She hated shore leave. It put her on edge. Too many opportunities to let down her guard. Too much talking, too many people who wanted to thank her. It was unsettling to be seen as a hero. After Akuze, she’d learned to cope with people recognizing her name. She became a person-of-interest at social functions, the war hero every host wanted to parade around to make their dinner party a success. The Citadel was no different. First human SPECTRE, the resurrected soldier, and leader of the allied forces was about as far from inconspicuous as you could get.  
Shepard’s gaze fell on the canvas duffel she’d just tossed into the closet. She didn’t have to open it to remember what was carefully folded on top. She must be out of her damn mind to even consider the idea she’d just thought of. Wearing the dress in front of Joker tomorrow would be bad enough, but to let HIM see her in it? Her cheeks burned as she remembered how the soft leather nipped down under her breasts, revealing a full womanly figure.

_No, definitely not. She wouldn’t do that. That would be humiliating and entirely inappropriate. As an officer she needed to maintain a certain level of professionalism even in her personal life. She definitely was NOT going to invite him over._

 

\-----------------------

Kaidan,  
I have the evening free. Let’s do dinner.  
Shepard 

\-----------------------

 

Jae settled into the couch, savoring a long swig of her second beer before propping her feet up on the low table. Her invitation to dinner had switched gears moments before Kaidan arrived. Last minute regret resulted in a frantic trek up the stairs, sweaty anxiety as she struggled to pop herself out of the tight leather, an even faster journey back down the stairs at the sound of the doorbell, and a full minute needed to compose herself before answering it.  
In the end, though, she’d made the right choice. The fancy dinner out had turned into a comfortable discussion over perfectly cooked steaks. A game of chess had been suggested, and once the dishes were cleared they meandered into the lounge. Minimal effort was put forth, but they quickly decided they couldn’t find a chess board and settled for the couch.

“This is nice.”  
Her statement went unanswered and she turned to find Kaidan staring at her, lost in thought. “What?” She asked, nudging his arm playfully. If he was this distracted when she was in her civvies, imagine if she’d kept the dress on.  
He shook his head ruefully, “sorry, I was just thinking.”  
“About?”  
“Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw you.”  
“On the Normandy?”  
“Before that, actually, on Arcturus Station.”  
“I didn’t know you were ever stationed on Arcturus.”  
“Not stationed. We were stuck there a couple weeks while they did an overhaul on the _Nagano’s_ sensors.”  
“Well, I spent quite a bit of time there, when was this?”  
“Do you remember attending a banquet for Admiral O’Reilly?”  
A military banquet is not usually a memorable occasion, but Shepard recalled this one vividly. It took place two months after she returned from Akuze, broken, scarred, and suffering from severe PTSD. She was given some space, as much space as you can have surrounded by doctors; but Alliance brass desperately wanted to drag her out in front of the crowds and hold her up as a hero. Over the next several months a fierce political battle ensued, one she didn’t learn about until after the fact, but the hospital psychologist finally caved to the demands that Shepard be allowed to attend a public event. Soon after, she found herself encased in a tight dress that pinched her healing ribs, stuffed into long gloves that covered the myriad of scars left by acid burns, and surrounded by affluent businessmen and politicians who suddenly felt she was “someone”. That night ranked as one of the worst she’d experienced. One of the generals had asked her to speak and Shepard, breathless with panic, had fled, disappearing until the banquet was over.  
“God, please tell me you weren’t there,” she groaned, “that was an awful, awful evening.”  
“They invited anyone ranked above _Private._ Half the station was there once they announced you’d been released from the hospital.”  
“That was definitely not a highlight of my career.”  
“I was surprised, actually, that you attended. So soon after being rescued, I mean.”  
“Well, it wasn’t my choice, actually.” She chuckled wryly, “though in the end I didn’t really attend, not in the literal sense of the word. You’ll be surprised to learn that your commander is actually a coward. I spent most of the evening hiding-”  
“-in a closet, yeah, I know.”  
“What? How did you know that.”  
Kaidan flushed, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I- uh, never mind. Forget I brought it up.” He jumped to his feet, scooping up his empty bottle and hurrying into the kitchen.  
“What the hell!” Abandoning her beer, Shepard stormed after him, “how could you possibly know that?”  
“I don’t even know why I mentioned it, just forget it.”  
“Damn it, Kaidan. Why would you even bring it up if you weren’t going to talk about it?” Her face flushed angrily as he refused to meet her gaze. “You thought I'd WANT to remember that evening? I’ve never told _anyone_ about that. It was the most fucking humiliating night of my life. Dragged around from person to person, all of whom wanted to congratulate me on my bravery, on my lucky escape. They asked how I did it, how I endured, how I was doing now that I was home, but they didn’t really care. They just wanted an anecdote, an interesting story to share with their friends. They didn’t want to know that I wasn’t sleeping, that the dreams KEPT me from sleeping. That I woke up screaming every night and had to be sedated. That the scars on my arms weren’t just from acid burns. They didn’t want to know about that, because those things would have destroyed the perfect image they wanted to show the world. So I kept my mouth shut and smiled, because that was expected of me, that was my duty, and after all that, they wanted me to speak. They wanted me to get up in front of thousands of soldiers and tell them that watching my squad die in front of me was an honor, a sacred sacrifice for the Alliance that they should aspire to. But I refused. The brave war hero ran like a coward and hid in a fucking closet so she could scream in peace-”

Shepard hunched over, breathing raggedly as she grasped her knees with trembling hands. Images bombarded her. Memories she’d worked so hard to suppress. Gunfire. Screams. Smoke and ash and dust. The faces of her squad mixed with the pattern on the tiled floor until the steak she’d eaten churned in her stomach, threatening to reappear.  
A hand brushed her shoulder and she twisted away, grabbing the counter for support. “No, don’t touch me!”  
Closing her eyes, Shepard cycled through her squad, remembering each by name, listing off their accomplishments, birthday, favorite food, anything she could think of. She breathed deeply, feeling the hot sun on her skin, inhaling the smell of dry dust and sweat. At her feet lay familiar faces of melted skin and bone. Blood spattered the ground around her, soaking into the packed earth. Moving amongst the bodies, she studied each one, memorizing where they lay, how they had died. Her sight shifted and now she stood on the landing zone, forcing herself to watch as a figure crawled across the sand towards her. Each second passed at an agonizing rate as she urged the woman on, desperately wanting to help. Crimson blood pooled, staining her boots as the soldier collapsed at her feet. An engine roared overhead, gusts from its exhaust port violently kicking up dust and debris. Boots thumped against the ground and hands grasped the lifeless form, lifting it gently into safety. She was alive. She was ok.

Jae sighed tiredly. For the thousandth time, she breathed a quick thank-you to the doctor who’d researched hundreds of coping mechanisms until he found one that worked for her.  
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.” She murmured quietly, “I haven’t thought about Akuze in a long time. Not really.”  
“I-” Kaidan’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat loudly. Unable to speak, he hesitantly reached for her and she allowed herself to be pulled against his chest.  
His arms shook as they tightened around her and she patted his shoulder awkwardly.  
“It’s ok,” she murmured, “I’m better now. Nothing to worry about. I haven’t had a really bad episode in years.”  
“That was a GOOD one?” He choked out, pushing her back so he could look into her eyes. “That was terrifying! Why have you never told me about that?”  
“What was I supposed to say? _Just so you know, I went through a shit period in my life where I needed therapy to cope with my squad dying. But no worries, ‘cuz I’m all better now!”_  
“Yes! Something, anything!”  
“Kaidan, I’m fine, and I’m really sorry you had to see that. I never flash like that anymore, it must be the stress. Really, I’m ok. I learned how to cope, how to stay calm, this is not an abnormal problem for someone who’s seen a high level of combat. Hell, I’m sure you have your own flashbacks to deal with.”  
“Don’t remind me.” He grimaced as he rubbed his forehead, massaging a spot over his left eyebrow where his migraines usually started. “How did you do that, though? Pull yourself together so quickly? I thought you were going to pass out.”  
Shepard shrugged, “Practice, I guess. Though I’ve always been good at it. The Alliance doctors signed off on my psych profile five months into treatment. One of them told me it can take years for someone with my level of trauma to get back in the field, if ever.”  
"God-"  
“How did you know about the closet? No one ever found me, I just showed up at the hospital a couple hours later. That’s when they started the therapy.”  
“I saw you, actually, right before you left. I was trying to get close enough to meet you, like every other smitten soldier there. I saw you move away from the officers talking to you, and I just knew. Something about your face, the way you clenched your jaw, how pale you looked, the way you stumbled like you were trying to keep yourself from breaking into a run. I just knew you were trying to escape so I followed you. I don’t know why, I just knew I needed to.” Kaidan cleared his throat, a faint flush blooming across his cheeks. “I saw you go in the closet, so I...I guarded it.”  
“You what?”  
“I guarded it. There was a bench right outside the closet, so I sat down and watched the door. When they came looking for you I told them you’d walked down the hallway towards the stairs. After a couple hours I had to get back to the ship and, well...the next time I saw you was on the Normandy.”  
Shepard dropped into the nearest chair, staring at him in disbelief. “Shit,” she breathed, unable to summon a more eloquent word.  
“Yeah.”  
“Why didn’t you say something before?”  
“When exactly? After you became my XO? My commander? It’s kind of embarrassing, and there wasn’t really a good time. Besides, I didn’t want to force you to talk about it. I don’t know why it slipped out today. I guess I was too relaxed.”  
“No, I’m glad you did. I should have told you about what I went through. I just don’t like to talk about it. I’m supposed to be the leader, the one holding it all together.” She laughed, “Such a great leader I am, having panic attacks over something that happened years ago.”  
“No one can hold it together one hundred percent of the time. Damn it, Shepard, sometimes I think you view yourself as a robot! A machine whose only purpose is to win this war.”  
“Well thanks to Cerberus, that’s partly true.”  
“Bullshit!”  
“Kaidan-”  
“No! What do you have to prove? You’re a damn fine soldier, the best! You’re the perfect leader for this task, the only one who could step up and take on such a heavy responsibility. Do you know why that is? It’s not because you’re perfect, or because you’re a programmed machine, it’s BECAUSE you’re broken.”  
Caught completely off guard by his choice of words, Jae stared in bewilderment as he sank into the chair next her.  
“Those things in your past were painful, they messed you up for a while, but they made you into the person you are today. A person that’s stronger than anyone could imagine. So much has happened since I met you. Saren, Ashley, everything! That might break most people, but you’re stronger than ever. That strength doesn’t come from forgetting what you’ve been through, it comes from acknowledging the shit you’ve endured and still choosing to fight.” He cleared his throat before lifting a hand to her face, gently touching the faint white lines along her lips and jaw. “They’re like your scars. They’re a reminder of what you’ve overcome, and...and I think they’re beautiful.”  
“You think my scars are beautiful.” She couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of her voice as his words put her on edge.  
“I do, and do you know why? Because I’m broken too. That shit with Vyrnnus and Rahna messed me up for a long time, but I learned so much from it. I wouldn’t change who I am today and, because of that, I wouldn’t change what I’ve been through.”  
Shepard shook her head in disbelief. “Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you, Alenko.”  
He smiled, “I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. I refuse to let the Alliance make you into a machine. You are an amazing soldier, but you’re also unique, and funny, and charming, and sometimes awkward, and-”  
“Ok, ok, I get it, you can stop now.”  
“I’m serious. You can be yourself around me, completely, you don’t have to prove anything.”  
“I know...thanks.”  
“You’re welcome.”  
She sighed, resting her head on the back of the chair. “That's something Ash was great at, wasn’t it. Being real all the time. She didn’t have to put on a persona with her armor, she was just...Ash.”  
“She was, AND she had enough personality to make up for the rest of us.”  
“Yeah. She did."  
A long silence filled the room as each remembered their fallen friend. After a few minutes Shepard shoved her chair back and leapt to her feet.  
"What are we doing moping around?! This date was supposed to be fun. A distraction.”  
“Sorry.”  
“You SUCK at this dating thing!”  
“Me?!” Kaidan lobbed a crumpled napkin at her head. "Hey, I didn't invite a guy over, then yell at him for five minutes straight."  
Jae grinned, then straightened, struck with a sudden thought. “Wait here, I have an idea.”  
Taking the stairs two at a time, she hurried to the bedroom before she could have second thoughts. The duffel lay open, both taunting and enticing her.  
Steeling her resolve, she yanked the bag open.  
Navigating the tight fabric was a two person job but she managed to put the seams in all the right places and close the zipper.  
Taking a moment to catch her breath, Shepard surveyed herself in the mirror. A faint flush tinged her cheeks, but for once she refused to feel any awkwardness.  
She was a commander in the Alliance Navy, an N7 graduate, and a fucking SPECTRE. She had survived a thresher maw on Akuze. She stared down a reaper on Rannoch. She could kick anyone’s ass from here to the Perseus Veil.  
And right now she looked sexy as hell.

Comfort be damned, it wasn’t going to stay on very long anyway.

 

 

 


End file.
